Friday, October 05, 2012

Holden Archer Lee

 I am not sure how to even begin this post.  It brings up so many emotions that are hard to deal with and for that reason I have delayed posting but I certainly didn't want to pass it by like it never happened.  On May 20, 2012 while sitting in my Sunday School class I received a text message from my sister telling me that Holden had been born with a picture of him.  I was so excited for Caitlin and Jared to become parents.  Over the next couple of days we continued to get so many adorable pictures of Holden.  I loved it!  Benson would ask me why I was just sitting there staring at pictures of him.  I told him I couldn't help myself.  I couldn't get enough of him.  I was always wanting more pictures and I would just stare.  I knew right off that he was extra special.  I just knew he was going to grow up and do great things.

The day after Caitlin and Jared got home from the hospital Caitlin called me and told me that Holden had been throwing up really bad.  She told me she knew he was okay because he was still having wet diapers.  Which is good.  I asked her when the last time he had pooped was and she told me he had only pooped a tiny bit once at the hospital.  So my thought, and what I had told her, was that he was probably backed up and he would probably just need a suppository. I told her that we had to do that for Ryan and everything was just fine after that.  Cait said okay and she was going to call the doctor when the office opened and see what they said. 

I don't know all the details and the order of everything from there.  Holden was taken to the doctor and then to the hospital and eventually the PICU.  He spent the remainder of his short life here on earth in the hospital.  I know he was only here for a short time but he will be with our family for the rest of our lives.  We will never be the same.  He will always hold the most special place in our hearts.  I love to hear my kids talk about him.  Even Ryan will talk about him...he will make things for him, he will sing songs about him, he built a sandcastle for him at the beach...and so on.  Holden is such a blessing in our lives.  He will always remind me to be the best person I know how to be so that I can see him at the gates of Heaven when it is my time to go.  I love him dearly and will be forever grateful that he is a part of our family.

Even being as sick as sweet little Holden was he would open his eyes and look around.  Look through those sweet eyes and you will see the most incredible spirit, those eyes are the windows to Heaven.  I love this little baby boy so much and can't wait to see him again.  I sit here in tears as I write about the amazing mission this child had here on this earth.  He is perfect.  He only needed to be here long enough to gain his body (and for his mom and dad to take lots of pictures of).  We love you dear sweet Holden.
 We went to Utah for Holden's service.  I was able to take some pictures at the viewing.  I love when I can hide behind the camera.  It is where I feel comfortable. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to take pictures of my sweet sister and her dear husband on such an occasion.

We went back up to Holden's grave as a family the evening of his service. 
 My sister in law Brooke had this necklace made for Caitlin.  It says, Always on my heart, Holden Archer Lee 5-20-2012.
Holden Archer Lee
Always in our hearts.
We love you and miss you sweet baby Holden. 
Thank you Caitlin and Jared for sharing your sweet son with me.  I loved the late nights at Mom and Dad's talking about Holden and the many miracles you witnessed while being at the hospital with your perfect son. You and your son have made me want to be a better person. You guys are such amazing people and I only hope to be as good as you someday.  You give me strength when I feel like I should be giving it to you.  Your testimony of the Gospel and the afterlife is beautiful and I thank you for what you have shared with me.  I am so grateful that we know that we will see Holden again and that you will one day raise your son.  Love you both more than words can say.